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r e k i n d l e d . h o p e
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sam. 18. filipina. petite. brown eyes. temperamental, emotional, weird, bipolar, artistic,
and could care less about what you think.
loves: mon mari. art. poetry. cooking, baking. chocolates. MUSIC. life. LOVE.
the rain. her close TRUE friends. photography. rooftops. nature. tears. kidney thieves.
evanescence. emotional songs. real genuine people. deviantArt.
black eyeliner, lipstick, and nails. CORSETS. fetishes. red lipstick. angels. midnight exchange of SMS. HIS scent.
{ ♥} my
beloved's blog
{ ♥} love
{ ♥} mia
{ ♥} miranda
{ ♥} gem
support my friend, miranda adria on her deviantArt page.
{ ♥} bitchinblack
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| the alt pin-up chick/photog in you |
[Tuesday, I wrote:
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i have just bought this absolutely gorgeous headband with a big red ribbon on it and this victorian inspired dress from multiply, and if only i am so short on cash i would continue on buying several things i've seen and loved. T_T. a big fat T_T.
i haven't really got the guts to buy stuff out of the norms since now. well, not really. i used to discreetly buy corsets (i have two now!) and not really been able to wear them unless its halloween or just tripping on it. and recently, i've just learned to love and wear bright colored garments. who ever thought? i used to stick with black. and black. now i am sooo into bright colored tights. and also now more into alternative and alt pin-up photos. if only i had the body to model (especially in my current big tummy position), i would so love to do that.
oh, and did i say i am going to dye my hair red after i give birth. yes, and i'm gonna keep it, baby! i would want to dye it a pinkish white like miss mosh's, but i don't think my skin complexion fits.
bah. rant, rant, rant.
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| a blessing |
[Sunday, I wrote:
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we're going to have a beautiful baby girl! at first this experience came to us as a shock, but everyday i feel closer and closer to the man i love, and everyday i become sure that he is the man i would spend my life with. i thank God for giving me such an angel, and now i am going to have two angels in my life.
sigh. i am a happy mom-to-be, can you believe it? :)
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| dreaming of you. |
[Wednesday, I wrote:
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i drempt of him. *swoon*. ed westwick and all the chuck bass goodness in the world. oh, goodie goodie. more yummy dreams of him, please! :D
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| a step out of the box |
[Monday, I wrote:
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alvin and i went to the mall today. and we went through different stores to look for the perfect swim suit i wanted. yes, a swim suit. who ever thought?
its just that these past few days as i grow bigger, i've been feeling weird about how i look. i don't know if its normal. i always ask him if he still thinks i'm sexy, and he always answers that its not fat, its the baby.
i don't know but i feel like everybody's gonna look at me weirdly when they see me in the suit. i just wanted to buy it to feel somehow that its a way to make me feel sexy again.
i kept on looking for a white suit. i love white suddenly. i couldn't find a simple 2 piece white suit, but i saw this.
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| too much |
[Friday, I wrote:
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sometimes its just too much and i want to give you up.
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| handwriting analysis. |
[Tuesday, I wrote:
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got this from kuya chin. thanksies! ^^  Samantha Raine is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.
Samantha Raine will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Samantha Raine an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Samantha Raine is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Samantha Raine is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.  People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Samantha Raine doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.
 Samantha Raine is sensitive to criticism about her ideas and philosophies. She will sometimes worry what people will think if she tells them what she believes in. This doesn't mean she won't talk, or that she feels ashamed. It merely means she is sensitive to what others think, regarding her beliefs.
 Samantha Raine is secretive. She has secrets which she does not wish to share with others. She intentionally conceals things about herself. She has a private side that she intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in her past.
 Samantha Raine has a desire for attention. People around Samantha Raine will notice this need. She may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on her own character.
 Samantha Raine has an over-awareness of self. She often feels self-conscious. She fears ridicule, therefore she is careful not to place herself in a position to receive any ridicule. She wonders what people will think if she acts in a certain manner. When encountering a new group of people, Samantha Raine may stay on the sidelines until she has the people categorized, or she may behave in a "positive attention getting" manner to assure people think good thoughts about her from the start.
In the sales profession, this self-consciousness is called "call reluctance". They take the word "no" as a personal criticism. Therefore, there is an internal struggle when performing this type of work. Although this person may be a great salesperson, she still feels insecurity. She will perform better if someone else is with her because the fear of ridicule from her peers is far greater than the fear of ridicule from her clients. Many times this type of person becomes a sales trainer, because when she is training, she doesn't have to put herself in a position of being told "no" as often as the salesmen do.  In reference to Samantha Raine's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Samantha Raine slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.
She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Samantha Raine can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.  Samantha Raine is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Samantha Raine basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.
 Samantha Raine is constantly disappointed when trying to reach success. She works very hard, perhaps harder than most, then just before succeeding, something happens that keeps her from success. Often, Samantha Raine changes to a second project just before the first one is finished, thus failing to complete the first project. Sometimes she changes because she feels she needs a different challenge. Samantha Raine feels dejected. This feeling relates to her failures. This trait is very important in a working situation and in a relationship. She must be handled in a very special way to get the most work from her or to make a relationship last. Concerning this trait, personality modification is available to change her life.
 For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space. If the inputted data was correct Samantha Raine has left some white space on the left side of the paper. Samantha Raine fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion moving the entire writing rightward as she moves down the page. If this is true, then Samantha Raine has a healthy relationship to the past and is ready to move on. The right side of the page represents the future and Samantha Raine is ready and willing to get started living now and planning for the future. Samantha Raine is leaving the past behind and moving on to what she perceives as an exciting and enticing future.
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| always and forever |
[Wednesday, I wrote:
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it will all turn out okay, right? always and forever?
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| a tribute to us. |
[Friday, I wrote:
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| Dear Beloved, |
[Thursday, I wrote:
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almost three years into our relationship, and i have never felt so deeply inlove.
you are home to me, the beautiful comfort and serenity welcoming me the moment i see you. you who has accepted me and loved me in my best and in my worst. you who forgave me for my darkly faults. almost three years, and every tear we've shed makes us more intact.. stronger.
i can not even muster a thought of loving someone else; when i think of love, it is you and only you i see in my thoughts. your name perfectly etched and carved in my heart, always and forever.
when i see how long we've come, and see how much we are inlove, i can only thank God for giving me such a wonderful gift. the ultimate gift of love.
the day i be your wife will be the day i start to be the happiest woman in the world.
everyday is beautiful when i wake up beside you, and feel your love silently creeping through my skin.
i truly love you, unconditionally. it lives in me and courses through me like oxygen. dear beloved, i love you so much and forever is something i look forward to spending with you.
i miss you.
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| that disease that eats you up. |
[Wednesday, I wrote:
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i know the person who i was a year ago. and when i look back, sometimes i abhor the memory of it. i was a pretty screwed up person. i had no self-respect, no confidence in myself, i lived with my disease and let it grow. it scares me because i still feel that part of me inside, but experiences that led up to losing some of my friends made me bury that; i don't want to lose them again.
i write about this to open our minds up to the fact that there is this disease inside of some of us. sometimes our parents dont give much importance to it, or don't even know about it. it's the negativity, the pain that has compiled inside our souls. it makes us think about ourselves as a lesser person, sometimes the opposite. we have our own beliefs, and at times we think we have the right to fight for it despite hurting other people. we rejoice in thinking we're right, and live with our pride.
sadness and that heavy feeling always lives with us, its like a shadow. most of the time we juggle with our highest highs and suffer in our lowest lows. our emotions are like a bomb inside of us, uncontrollable. we write about it, we draw about it. we turn it into art. but what it is is monstrosity. its a painful part of who we are.
we're not emo, but we always are emotional. we slit our wrists, and we're not proud of it. we think and plan on how we die, and we've tried on it several times.
the most painful part is that we hurt the people we love. we push them away. its like a part of us wants to yearns for something bad to happen. something to write about, something to make us feel.
i've struggled with this inner dark voice. felt its poison course through my veins, at times winning me over. it could be depression. a bipolar disease. but its not something to be proud of. we hate ourselves when the truth hits us in the end, and whats left for us is the pain again. always the dwelling pain.
i wish i could've had help before. but nobody took notice to my abomination.
and now as i take a step to adulthood, i want to finally open up who i was. because i don't ever want to be that person again.
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| the irreplaceable. |
[Sunday, I wrote:
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i just read a friend's post about losing something important to her given by someone special, and i couldn't help but remember the same thing. it happened almost 2 years ago, and the feeling of loss still is in my heart.
it was our box of memories. numerous letters from him, tissues from starbucks drinks and cheesecakes he used to buy me when we were just new, tissues and receipts from restaurants and stores we ate at. little things he gave me, trinkets.
i hid it somewhere it wouldn't be thought of as junk. but then, one day, when i looked for it, it was gone. i asked my sister where it could be, and realized my father had thrown it away.
i was heartbroken. the pieces of memories we shared were there, it was so important to me. i felt that i lost a part of me, i still do. i lost the promises we wrote on paper, the things that would remind me how we got to where we are.
he doesn't write to me anymore. i asked him many times, but he doesn't have the time to. i don't know if he thinks it unimportant to me, but it really means alot. i want to replace all that was lost. i want to replenish all the fading words written in ink by new ones.
my little shoebox of memories was gone 2 years ago, and still i live with the painful fact that its gone. and eventhough i try to find a way to make a new one, it'll always be the irreplaceable.
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| hearts day. |
[Thursday, I wrote:
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i am half between believing in valentine's day and not. it's just that you really don't need a day to celebrate love, it should be celebrated everyday.
today, we stayed at home. and it was wonderful. though i wasn't able to buy him anything or do any of the things i planned, we just slept together (no other meanings) and it made my day complete. love isn't really about a grand gesture to show your love to a person, love is simple. its an understanding of two hearts who accept each other for who they really are, and being in the company of each other can already be something worthwhile.
as of now, as i look at the clock that says 12:54am, now we celebrate the day our love was born. on the 15th. he may be at work right now, and when he arrives home, i'll be at school, but when we finally be in each other's arms, nothing else matters.
a toast to my beloved and i. true love always.
i want to paint
how you melt my heart.
made it abruptly stop
a heartfelt pause.
dwelling on that beat
hearing it call your name.
over and over
i am enthralled.
now the moment's gone
seeing the voidness of space.
yet i still linger
the beat singing your name.
there's no line
no perfect circle nor shade
no paint nor charcoal
that could capture this feeling.
only the beat of my heart
and your love spell
coursing through my veins
like an addiction.
-when i paint your love (for alvin)
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[Thursday, I wrote:
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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that's as far as you can go.
FRIENDS ONLY.
*you can leave a comment if you want to be friends with me, and i'll think about it. i'm not mean, just cautious.*
(i've been editing this over and over and my friends only banner would not appear. bah, i have to just stick with this.)
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| 1st official post! |
[Wednesday, I wrote:
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 contemplative |
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music |
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bush - out of this world |
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hi, everyone. it's tantricdithers here, i've moved to a new home. which is here. :D
i decided to make a new blog, because the old one had too much bad vibes in it. i mean, i have to move on. that would mean new friends, while keeping old good ones. this would serve as therapy for me. so i hope its okay for me to rant and everything here. xD yes, i would probably have a lot of drama here. but i promise not to have large fonts. lol.
well, that's about it for now. i hope the layout looks okay, cause i've been working on it for two days.
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| new beginnings |
[Tuesday, I wrote:
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this is a test. only a test. i hope i could figure out the layout soon. :|
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rekindledhope's journal
